Am I actually taking time to blog???

Since the tornado...I haven't really been able to articulate my thoughts/feelings.  Odd.  I'd think it would come streaming out of me.  Course I have been a little busy.  Never thought about that.
Maybe I articulated things in different ways...not directly but maybe by my directing.

My friends, actors, volunteers have no idea how much I love and appreciate them and how much joy they bring to my life and so many others.  I think that's why I've been able to keep the ol' chin up.  

I didn't lose anything or anybody...but I lost my "bearings."  Storms scare me now.  Panic sets in.
Want to do more to help.  Never enough time. 

Proud of what TT is doing and where it is going.  My hope and prayer - to keep it running with joy and less drama (off stage).  And to take a bit of time for me now.  To regain my health and strength.  I'm surrounded by people very good at what they do.  That will allow me to take some much needed time, here and there.  Can't even tell you how thankful I am for that!!!!  And may all of us, build in collective and individual renewal time...

Well, took an hour for myself this morning.  Better get on to work now.

And special prayers go out to Kate Monster - to new beginnings.

Good thoughts to Chas and his "get healthy" commitment.  I admire him so.

And to PBC - You crazy!  One big ol' Monologue -mmm, mmm, mmm.  I'll pray that your brain will fire on every cylinder!

JP - you float into my life and remind me of how much I do love theatre and plays and actors and all of it...and you ARE going to be what you want to be.  Keep up the hard work and diligence.  I'm so proud of you.

And to my Mom and Daddy - may God hold you in the palm of his hand today - comfort and heal you.  I love you and treasure you so.

Today, my goal - just breath.

Happiness

Finding the sunshine again in my life.
Recognizing that my mood is directly related to how much rest I get.
Trying to actually make my self a priority.  Setting parameters and saying no.
Loving others starts with loving myself.
Simple lessons that I've known but not always put in practice.
I'm so thankful for the struggles...they've made me recognize the good things all around.
The perfection in the imperfections. 
The simplicity of complexity.
Strength that comes in the broken places.
I have no control over what others say or do...only how I chose to respond and how I let it affect me.
And, I chose love.
There is absolutely no absolutes.
Each one of us screws it up royally...and yet, we have the capacity to make a different choice the next time.
Isn't that amazing.
I stand in awe of the rugged beauty all around, and happiness softly remains..

Forced Reflection

I just hurry around doing my busy life and get caught up in everything I have to do.
I'd like to think that I stop and smell the roses, notice the beauty around me, take in the little things.  But I admit, a lot of times I let those "moments" pass right by me.  I use to pay more attention to them.

And then things happen that kind of bring me back to center.
My friend Mary Fran loses her precious Mother.  I sit in a crowd of people I don't know and listen to how amazing this woman was...and I weep.   Not because I knew her but because I watch how her daughter embodies her strength and kindness and life force energy.  And I realize how precious little time I get to spend with this woman and this family I hold so dear.  And think...why ARE we so busy?  And... I long for a week at the beach again.  Watching the kids play, the sunset, the laughter.

And then Ray Yeatman. 
There will never be a chance to really thank him for all those things he did for Theatre Tuscaloosa.  For all the times he worked so hard to make tailgaiting so much fun.  For the way he took care of ALL the ladies in his life.  He was quiet but paid attention to everything.  He did those thankless tasks to make our lives easier.  He was funny.  He was cute as a button.  He was smart.  He was wise.  And he was an anchor of strength for Teresa, Jill, Joyce, Tracy, Nancy and all the rest of us.  And his "farewell" was so beautiful and moving that I felt an amazing connection with everyone there...he did that.

And then Doug Perry.
Spent so many hours with Doug.  Truly one of the funniest, most clever people on this Earth.  Always can count on Doug to brighten my day.  And it's  those little things he does...shared August birthdays.  The great cards he'd slide under the door or send in the mail.  The cocktails, perfectly planned and mixed on his porch. 
He is the one that is quick to remind me that, yes the arts are great, but love, life and friendship are even greater.  I sat helpless at his bedside this weekend.  Realizing that something greater than all of us binds us together.  And that I am truly grateful for this life.  All of it.  The ups.  The downs.  The pain.  The joy.  The sorrow.  The love. 
There is no time like the present to let change creep in.  Deeper breaths.  A smile even when I am alone.  Acceptance of change.  Being present.  Letting things go.  Loving others without expectation of love returned.  Remembering to say "Please" and "Thank you."  Taking time to laugh more.  Catching more sunsets.  Accepting the kindness others show.  Singing.  Dancing like I want to, when I want.  Letting go of guilt.  Choosing happiness and being open to wonder.   

Thank you Mrs. Abell and Ray Yeatman for a life well lived.
Come back to us Doug.  We miss you. 

Peace and Pieces

Peace and Pieces

We’ve got our men suited up

Guns a blazed

Finger on the button

And we think on the pulse.

But what happened to kindness?

What happened to understanding?

Why must God be placed on his judgment throne

When He simply wants to dine with us?

We wrap ourselves in the flag

We gaze at its fifty stars.

And yet the infinite ones above us

Burn in all our eyes.

Why do we not wrap our arms

Around those who are angry?

Why do we not gaze up at the wonder

even with those we call friends?

We’re so busy making places,

Faces, traces

of remnants that will be lost in a short while.

How can we reach across the seas

When we can’t reach up,

Or out,

Or around our own collapsed shoulders?

We fight in the name of peace

But not for ourselves within,

And that landscape is familiar terrain.

Yet for years unchanged, unmoved.

Dry as the desert on which those boots pound.

Yes, I can move mountains

But won’t move an inch

In the name of being right.

The hope turns to hopelessness.

Where does it end? 

When did it start?

In the beginning…

Comfort myself, then the one next to me,

Then the one at arm’s reach,

Not as big a distance as it once seemed

And soon maybe the stars and stripes

Will have meaning again.

At least for me.

Tina Turley – January, 2011

Turn off my Brain

I wish that I could just switch off my brain sometimes.  Like a light bulb, poof, it's off, no more thoughts to nag at me.  As good as my life is, I am still plagued with the thoughts of "something more."  Am I doing all I can with my life?  Am I following the right path?  Can I still make a difference in the lives of others? 

I love the theatre.  I love my job, but sometimes I wonder if it is where I am suppose to be.  I know I've been given these talents and passions for a reason.  I love the people.  I love the plays.  I love the human connections.  So why is it harder and harder for me to step up to the challenge?

I've let my "calling" supersede my physical and emotional well-being.  I have not made my physical or emotional health a priority.  I think my body is kicking at me and saying "attention must be paid."  These old habits are hard to break.  I didn't have the option of not working long days for a good while.  The work had to get done, but surely I could have found more time for myself.

It seems like I'm being pulled in so many directions and everyone has an opinion about what I should be doing or how I should be doing it.  I am always open to suggestions of how I can improve myself or the work and I take many of those ideas and thoughts to heart and appreciate them.  But sometimes I just grow weary.

I am weary.  I am unhealthy and exhausted.  Still I press on.  I just pray that I can accept myself and be willing to do whatever it takes to get back to that "healthy" place again.  And if I am suppose to be doing something else, I hope God uses a big neon sign or the Goodyear blimp to let me know...cause right now I'm not sure I'd notice anything less than that.  And maybe the lack of a sign means I'm doing what I'm suppose to be doing and that I just need a nap.

Come to my Garden

This has been a delightful experience.  The music of "The Secret Garden" reaches deep into my heart and unlocks a sense of wonder within me.  I'm thankful to watch it "grow" every performance.

I want the time to dig in the dirt and plant some seeds.  To feel the coolness beneath the surface, to reach past the topsoil into the layer of memories neatly packed below.  The child in me needs a bit of earth to call my own, to have the faith and patience to watch something come from a tiny seed and bloom into something beautiful, something to care for, something delicate and yet can withstand the elements that it is natural built to withstand.  A bit of earth.  A bit of earth. A bit of earth.

When is enough...just right.

We can't just be a model. 
We have to be America's TOP model.
And we can't just be America's TOP model.
We have to be a producer with our own show top model.
And we can't just be a producer top model.
We have to have our own clothing line as well.
blah, blah, blah...

When did we decide that being good at one thing wasn't enough?
I mean my advanced degree is a Masters.  I've mastered a skill or a set of skills.
What if we asked Harper Lee to not only write but also be a seamstress?
What if we made Andy Warhol write grants?
Mozart - sculpt?

I think we should focus more on strengthening our strengths rather than developing our mediocre skills and just let our weaknesses be acknowledged and move on.

I think I'm really good at mediocre right now.
I'm better than that! 

I'm gonna get the chance soon to be good at something again.
I'm looking forward to returning to that true sense of self.
Oh that we could provide that opportunity for others whenever we can.
I'm going back to polishing the pearl and I am excited.  That is my greatest strength. 
I may be really tired but this ol' gal still gets excited.
I just gotta hold on to finish what I have begun (to quote The Secret Garden).

Hold the course, stay the path...one step at a time and I'll look up to see that I'm there - again.

After a bit of rest and a break...
Maybe it'll be just right.