I have always been unlucky. I never win anything when I buy the scratch-offs in Texas or Louisiana. I never win at Bingo. My name is never pulled out of a hat. I never win the jackpot or the prize. So, I don't put much stock in luck...since I'm unlucky anyway. I do have a superstition or two but that is different than luck. It's 2013, and for many 13 is an unlucky number. Did you know that many big hotels don't have a 13th floor? Corporate superstitions, now that's heavy. I've never really been afraid of good ol' scary number 13. In fact this year, God willin' and the creek don't rise, I am going to embrace ol' 13.
If I had to pick a lucky number, it would be 12. Roger Staubach wore No. 12 for the Cowboys. He was my hero. When I played on my high school Volleyball team, I wore No. 21, which is 12 switched. I'd have worn 12 but an upper classman had already picked it and I wasn't about to ask her to change. See I wasn't even lucky enough to wear my lucky number. Anywho...
12 wasn't such a lucky year for me. Declining health over the last few years reached a new low and I found myself scrapping the bottom of the barrel. Pretty empty. Most people who know me realize that goes against my basic principles of joy, happiness, faith and self worth. As much as I hoped and willed for better times, things just seemed to get worse. My depression flared alongside the multiple staph infections I had and by the time the wintery season arrived I was in full blown discontent.
It's hard to know what to say to someone with depression, I know. You want them to just snap out of it. Just make the choice to be happy. Will it away. If only...sometimes the harder you try to feel better, the more guilty you feel when you can't "make it go away" and so you think you are a weak person and that you are disappointing everyone and the spiral downward gets even worse. What's been hardest for me, is that as the leader of my organization I set the tone for the entire company. If I am down, then it drags everyone and everything down...failure...more depression. It'll beat you up, I mean beat you up. Many people are supportive and understanding but come on why should they be? You aren't their problem! "Get the job done! Get over it! Not our problem! Fix it!" Nope companies aren't built with souls. And they shouldn't be I guess. Kick 'em to the curb, get someone younger and healthier. Your experience, drive, wisdom, education and expertise don't matter. You don't matter. -- this is the constant chatter I hear in my head. And everyone is out of patience and compassion because it has all drug on so long and they have their own issues to worry about - who could blame them? They've tried their best. I can't find my butt with two hand right now, how can I find my best??
Stop Whining! So many people have it worse. Some people died this year. You are still here. Still here. Still...here...dammit. Still. Here.
13 - I place myself at your feet. I bring a lot of baggage. Weight, diabetes, depression, SAD, exhaustion, staph (seriously bad news bears staph), high blood pressure, crazy hormones, hot flashes, anger, frustration, a totally out of shape body...but I'm here. This is the year I turn 50. Maybe just maybe, I'll get lucky and the 50's will turn out to be the best decade yet. I'm gonna give it my best shot, cause I don't believe in luck, says the unlucky girl. I'm still here and that makes me lucky enough...and determined. I'm here! I'm here! I'm here!!! (cue Elaine Stritch)
Oh and as a post script...15 is also a good number. We don't need no stickin' luck. We will leave that for the Irish to believe. Roll Tide Y'all.
