I wish that I could just switch off my brain sometimes. Like a light bulb, poof, it's off, no more thoughts to nag at me. As good as my life is, I am still plagued with the thoughts of "something more." Am I doing all I can with my life? Am I following the right path? Can I still make a difference in the lives of others?
I love the theatre. I love my job, but sometimes I wonder if it is where I am suppose to be. I know I've been given these talents and passions for a reason. I love the people. I love the plays. I love the human connections. So why is it harder and harder for me to step up to the challenge?
I've let my "calling" supersede my physical and emotional well-being. I have not made my physical or emotional health a priority. I think my body is kicking at me and saying "attention must be paid." These old habits are hard to break. I didn't have the option of not working long days for a good while. The work had to get done, but surely I could have found more time for myself.
It seems like I'm being pulled in so many directions and everyone has an opinion about what I should be doing or how I should be doing it. I am always open to suggestions of how I can improve myself or the work and I take many of those ideas and thoughts to heart and appreciate them. But sometimes I just grow weary.
I am weary. I am unhealthy and exhausted. Still I press on. I just pray that I can accept myself and be willing to do whatever it takes to get back to that "healthy" place again. And if I am suppose to be doing something else, I hope God uses a big neon sign or the Goodyear blimp to let me know...cause right now I'm not sure I'd notice anything less than that. And maybe the lack of a sign means I'm doing what I'm suppose to be doing and that I just need a nap.
