FEAR OF THE KNOT

It has been brought to my attention by a couple of people who really love and care for me, that I fear that this job will kill me. I've laughed about it and said it many times...but truthfully there has been a knot in my middle for a long time.

I read somewhere that it takes a head coach about five years to really build a winning coaching staff. My job is a lot like a head coach...and I have been in the job a little over 5 years.

I have been thankful for every staff member and volunteer I've worked with because they all brought something unique to the table. Some fit the team well, some suited, well maybe for another team. Some, I didn't have a choice one way or another. But I try sincerely to look at people's strengths more than their weaknesses. I've taken the "Strength Finder" test done by the Gallop Poll people and my number one strength is Maximizer. I am the person that is good at seeing clearly other people's strengths and helping them to maximize their potential. I polish the pearl. Good is not as good as great. I want everyone to find the best in themselves and follow their true calling.

Empathy is another of my strengths. I don't just understand what others are feeling, most times I begin to feel it too - you know like Deanna Troy on Star Trek: The Next Generation.

Sometimes I don't want that strength! Sometimes I DON'T WANT TO FEEL WHAT THE OTHER PERSON IS FEELING. You can't control the start of it, but you can control what you do with those feelings. It's harder when you are run down. You don't feel much in control and so you have a million feelings coming at you all the time and you try to put up a shield to not let them permeate every thought and mix with your own feelings. It becomes a battlefield of the mind and vital organs!

There are days that sorrow, sadness, grief, regret and pain are so present that I almost see it in the air - thin, fragile cracked, breakable. I move slowly trying not to stir it up or shatter.

There are days that joy and happiness rise up to meet me and I feel like I'm the most beautiful clear sandy beach with gentle waves that heal each time they warmly wash over me. I feel so alive and in the moment.

Both kinds of days happen often and sometimes the memories linger and sometimes I barely notice, feeling as if I'm standing and watching someone else.

There is something that I don't talk about much...

I feel Charlie Dennis' presence a lot at work. This last cast had several people in it that mentioned the sunsets that we see outside our scene shop door. Charlie and I spent many moments observing and appreciating God's lighting design. It was our little break time, between real work and "play" work...when it was mostly quiet. I enjoyed his company. I loved talking about plays and characters and actors and writers, directors, designers...we'd make fun of them ...and ourselves mostly. John Hisey and I chatted like that recently.  It's amazing what a lighting designer sees in a sunset that makes you notice even more beauty.  

Charlie knew the value of the arts, of hard work, of education, of teamwork, of dedication, of tiny moments not to be missed.

And yet, I think he worked too hard, too many hours, gave to much to all of us, carried a great deal of stress so others wouldn't have to carry it, ignored his own health and well-being, ignored the warning signs and didn't ask for help until it was too late. 

I think dying probably really pissed Charlie off.  

I can only imagine that besides thoughts of his family were  thoughts like-- "well dammit, this is inconvenient!  I don't have time for death, we got too much shit to do!"  He still had so much living and joy ahead.   I loved that ol' bear of a man!

Yes, I fear the knot in my chest and stomach. 

Irrational fear of death? Irrational fear of the unknown? Irrational fear of not being in complete control? Irrational fear of being like Charlie and taken out of the game too soon?  

Irrational - yes.  Fear doesn't care. 

This knot of fear is standing in the way of me really seeing the joy.  

I play for a living.  

I'm surrounded by wonderfully creative people who are so talented and so smart.

I get to see people fulfill their dreams.

I get to explore my thoughts and beliefs about the human condition with others who are curious about truth and life.

I get to bring to life really great stories with really great storytellers.

I get to see brilliant sunsets -- out my back door!  

I have known and still know GREAT LOVE in my life.  

I have a loving family, created by blood and by choice.  

I have laughed more than I've cried.

Fear not the Knot!!

 Gotta remember...

Breath unties the knot.  

Rest unties the knot.  

Quiet unties the knot.  

Smiles untie the knot. 

Hugs untie the knot.  

Kind words to and from others untie the knot.  

Laughter unties the knot.  

Exercise unties the knot.  

SLEEP unties the knot.  

Meditation and prayer unties the knot.  

Lullabies untie the knot.  

Pets SOMETIMES untie the knot!  

Gratitude unties the knot.  

Letting go of control unties the knot.   

Release of grief unties the knot.

Children playing unties the knot.

Giving up trying to understand "why" about everything unties the knot.

Letting go of wanting to be right unties the knot.

Choosing NOT to say what I'm really thinking sometimes, unties the knot.

Forgiveness of myself and others unties the knot.

Love unties the knot.

A MASSAGE would really untie the knot!!

Charlie, don't go away but hang beside me and gently remind me truly that TO BE, the KNOT MUST NOT BE.

:)